Jake positioned his laptop bag carefully in the overhead compartment before slumping into the narrow space between the armrests of 16C. Good thing I’m not too fat. He smiled at this. Or . . . buff. He frowned.
That about summed up his current mentality. Weighing the good and the bad. It’ll be nice to get away from Mom. What’ll I do at Dad’s—spend ‘quality time’ fishing or something?
Thinking about his dad always brought back the night he had walked out on them. The memory seemed to be lodged in Jake’s hard drive, popping up at unexpected moments—refusing to be erased. And when it replayed he could feel it all over again.
He was only 6, just a little blond-haired boy, sitting on the edge of his bed, trembling. Sixteen-year-old Jake swallowed the lump forming in his throat, wishing the attendant would come by and offer him his 4 ounces of complimentary beverage.
Please stop fighting!
Did he actually shout that or just wish it with all his might? At any rate, his little-boy longings had been no match for the desperation that filled his mother’s voice.
“I just can’t live like this. You’re distant and unavailable and don’t care a bit about me or Jakie.”
His dad shot back, “Well if you were just a better wife—”
“Enough! I hate who you’ve become. ”
That stunned Jake. Mommy had carefully taught him to never use the word hate. “It’s alright to dislike something, but Jesus wants us to love everyone, even our enemies.”
Little boy Jake wondered when his daddy and mommy had become enemies. He stuck his head under his favorite Superman pillow, but even the Man of Steel couldn’t lessen the impact of his daddy’s words as they ripped through the air and tore his world apart. “Fine! I’ll leave then—and never come back.”
He never did come back. Never did say goodbye. Mom hated him, and he hated me.
Jake accepted this as the reason his dad didn’t contact him for seven years. It wasn’t until after his dad had gone through some sort of 12-step program that he’d even bothered to get back in touch. Now Jake was required to spend two weeks each summer being bored out of his mind in the middle-of-nowhere Montana.
At least he has wireless access. The thought brought a rush of images and instant pleasure that made Jake blush.
A soothing female voice interrupted him. “Would you like a drink?”
Jake could tell she was repeating the question. He noticed her pretty mouth, the way her tongue moved against her teeth. He shifted in his seat. “Just water—and an extra cup of ice. Thanks.”
After drinking his water and chewing his ice, he closed his eyes, wishing himself to sleep. I wish this nightmare was over. And I wish I could go online.
Gone Fishin’
After three days at his dad’s place, Jake had settled into a routine of staying in his room and surfing the Web, enjoying the sights and sounds. There’s nothing else to do. His dad worked during the day and went to support groups at night. But on the fourth morning, everything changed. Jake was sleeping, minding his own business, when his dad shook him.
“Wake up, Jake.”
“What? Why?”
“Let’s go fishing.”
Jake rolled over. “Too early.”
“It’s nearly six.”
Yeah. I’ve only been in bed two hours. Jake closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply, like he’d fallen asleep again.
His dad wasn’t fooled and wasn’t giving up or giving in.
“Come on, Son. You’re only here for a few more days, and I’ve taken time off from work.”
Taken off from work?
“Please, Jake.”
Please? That’s what did it—it was that please. Jake couldn’t ever remember his dad saying that word before—a please from a man like his father was enough to jolt a bear out of hibernation. Jake sat up.
His dad was grinning, a silly, excited grin. “Guess this means we’re going fishing.”
Jake nodded and climbed out of bed.
The morning was peaceful, and, despite himself, Jake enjoyed the calm and beauty of the country around him. His dad must have noticed. “A far cry from Dallas, huh?”
“Yeah, but you know—the fish are bigger in Texas.”
Dragging himself out of bed to go fishing was difficult. Jake stayed up late the night before, pursuing his favorite pastime on the Internet. The excitement of his secret connections with his Web friends had drained every ounce of energy out of him and left only apathy. But his dad insisted, and so Jake forced himself to go along.
A Surprise Catch
Later that morning on the river, just as Jake cast off for the second time, his dad said, “Noticed you were up late. Real late.”
“Yeah. Just playing on the computer.”
“Playing with fire?”
“What?”
“Porn, Jake. It’s playing with fire. It can destroy everything and everyone in its path.”
It wasn’t the mention of fire that sent heat rushing through every cell of his being. How does he know? Should I deny it? Jake remained silent.
His dad reeled in and put his rod on the ground. He took a piece of gum out of his pocket, unwrapped it and began to chew. “You ever think about being married one day?”
His dad paused like he was waiting for a response or something. So Jake sort of nodded.
“Yeah, me too. I sure did. I wanted someone sweet and loving right beside me to help me through life. You know, a real friend and lover who would believe in me no matter what. I think most men want a faithful woman to respect and honor and trust him. And we sure don’t complain if she’s beautiful.”
Now comes the part where he blames Mom because she didn’t do that for him.
“I knew your mom was that person as soon as I met her. I wanted to protect her and take care of her. I actually thought of myself as her knight in shining armor.”
Jake couldn’t help glancing to see if his dad was serious. He looks serious. “Well that didn’t last long, did it?” Jake cringed at the venom in his voice.
“No, not long at all—just long enough for us to bring you into the world.”
Jake took a breath. “So what went wrong—between you and Mom?”
His dad shrugged and said, in an off-hand manner, “I had a mistress, and I refused to give her up when I married your mom.”
Jake dropped his pole and lunged at his dad. “How could you do that to her?”
His whole body began to shake. Years of rage and sorrow mixed together as he swung at his dad, who raised his arms to shield his face. Jake swung hard, over and over, until his dad gripped his wrists.
“It’s OK, it’s OK, Son. Let me finish. Just listen, OK?”
Jake stood, panting. He swallowed and tasted the salt from his tears. He dropped his arms and turned away. He felt his dad’s hand on his shoulder; he didn’t shrug it off, but his posture stayed rigid. “How could you take wedding vows when you already had another woman?”
Rage rose in him again. He turned. “Everything you promised her was a lie! You’re nothing but a fraud and then you—then I was born, which means you . . .”
The truth of this reduced Jake to a flood of tears, like they had been waiting behind a dam to be set free. He slumped to the ground.
His dad knelt and wrapped his arms around him. “What you’re saying is true Jake—all of it. I’m sorry.”
Jake lifted his head. “Sorry? Then why did you do it? How could you do such a thing to my mom? She was innocent. She trusted you. She loved you.”
Jake’s dad leaned back on his heels. “I loved her, too.”
Jake shook his head. “No, you didn’t, or you would have given up your mistress—or never had one at all!”
“You’re right. But I didn’t realize that my mistress would create such problems.”
“Liar! How could you think that?”
“Because my mistress was pornography, Jake.”
As his dad looked deep into his eyes and his words sunk deep into his heart, Jake felt confused. “But—that’s not real.”
Jake sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“You got that right. Pornography is a counterfeit that can ruin our ability to experience the real thing.”
“Dad! Porn isn’t like having—umm—a real mistress or anything.”
“Not like having sex? Jesus said that if I look at a woman with lust it is committing adultery.”
“How can I be committing adultery? I’m not married.”
“The naked women you look at may be married. And you’re being unfaithful to your future wife. Besides, Jesus didn’t say that to just married men; He said ‘If anyone looks at a woman with lust in his heart,’ so that’s all of us.”
Jake just stared at his dad. He swallowed. Pornography? Not booze or gambling or something like that?
His dad stood and helped Jake to his feet. “When I married your mom, I didn’t understand that my habit would affect our marriage and poison her love for me.” His dad cleared his throat. “I thought I could have your mom, have you, have a normal life and my porn too. I was wrong.”
“Meaning?”
“It got to the point that my addiction so invaded our relationship—your mother’s and mine—I was so twisted . . . ” his dad stopped. Jake watched his dad’s shoulders begin to shake.
“Dad?”
His dad looked toward the water and waved away Jake’s concern. “Finally, your mom had enough. She insisted I make a choice. I did. I chose to give you up, to lose her—so I could hold on to the images I’d grown to love. I wanted my mistress.”
A battle erupted inside of Jake’s mind. An argument. Porn is harmless. It doesn’t hurt anyone. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad, because I lost my dad. There are no victims. What about Mom? What about me? What about Dad? I can control it. My dad couldn’t. It ended up controlling him.
Jake turned abruptly and walked away. He followed the edge of the river, relieved that his dad didn’t follow. He needed time alone to think. Porn had become his comfort, his friend, his escape. He never considered it to be bad; he thought it was OK, harmless, that it was a normal everyday male activity, the next best thing to sex without actually exposing himself to disease or God’s wrath or any consequences at all. But were these conclusions true? As much as he wanted his old assumptions to be true, he couldn’t get away from the fact that his own life had been shattered by his dad’s obsession with pornography. He didn’t leave because he hated me but because he loved porn. Maybe I love it too.
River Wisdom
Later on, Jake and his dad stood side by side, skimming stones across the surface of the water. It felt good to talk openly about his struggle with someone who really understood. “Sometimes I feel pulled.”
“I know. And the pull just keeps getting stronger, doesn’t it? At the beginning it’s like the devil grabbed hold of my hand, and pulling away wasn’t so hard, but as time went on his grip got tighter and tighter until I felt like I was up to my neck in a pit of quicksand.”
Jake nodded. “Yeah—and I want more all the time, harder stuff, too.”
His dad threw a stone; it skipped once and sunk. “That’s because porn is a true addiction, not that much different from drugs or booze. You need more and more to get a high. You get addicted to the buzz. Before you realize what’s happened it consumes your whole life, and you begin to live for your next encounter.”
“But Dad, I know I’m a Christian.”
His dad looked at him. “That’s good, Son. But when you find yourself going to porn to meet your needs instead of going to God, then it has become an idol. The Lord won’t tolerate any other gods before Him. You can’t have it both ways. You’ll have to make a choice.”
“Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a choice.”
“You do. God gave you a free will.”
“Then how do I stop?”
“Only God is strong enough to rescue you, because you can’t rescue yourself.”
His dad threw another stone. Jake watched it skim easily over the surface, skipping three times before sailing into the air and landing on a large flat rock in the middle of the river.
“Wow. Great throw.”
“Thanks. Looking at this river makes me think about how I was caught in a powerful current, being pulled along in a direction I didn’t want to go. I was drowning.”
“But not now, right?”
His dad smiled. “Not for three years. When I cried out to the Lord, He rescued me.”
I need to be rescued, too. “So, that’s it? I just have to pray?”
“It’s the place to start, but there are two more things you need. You have to want to be free—be willing to turn away from it and give up the habit. Are you ready to do that?”
“Yes.”
“Say it.”
Jake swallowed. “I want to give up my porn habit.”
“Good.”
“What else?”
“Admit that you can’t do it alone. There’s no way I would have kicked the porn habit by myself. I needed others to pull me out of the current, to help me, to walk with me and to hold me accountable. Now I’m free and helping others who are caught in the whirlpool.”
“That’s what you’ve been doing at your support groups?”
“Yes. A lot of the guys are teens about your age.”
Jake began to tremble. “Will you help me, Dad?”
His dad reached over and pulled him close. “Yes, Jake, I will—and Jesus will.”
Relief flooded Jake, and he suddenly felt as if he was just a little 6-year-old boy being held safely in the arms of his daddy. Somehow he knew everything was going to be OK. 
