I grew up in a very conservative church. It was a small country congregation where the pastor preached long sermons, and the Sunday school classes were devoted to a long list of rules on how to be a good Christian.
I was taught that if I stayed in church, followed the rules and didn’t do the “don’ts” on the list, then I’d experience holiness and the fullness of Christ. In other words, I’d be acceptable to God.
I did my best to do what was right and was very proud of the fact that I was also a good Christian. God must like me very, very much, I convinced myself. I had Him in my back pocket and the entire Christian life figured out by the time I was just 15.
Then it happened. I lost Him. I completely lost track of Jesus.
Losing My Way
One day in college, I spent time in reflection, examining my heart, yet the Lord seemed to be nowhere near me. I searched and searched, I prayed and prayed. But the deep coolness, the emptiness of my heart remained. It wasn’t that I just couldn’t feel God. I soon realized that I couldn’t really feel anything. I didn’t laugh or cry or feel sad or happy. I just was—and I felt very alone.
For weeks and months I cried out to God to come back to me. I did everything I could to get His attention. I did nearly everything on the list of spiritual “do’s.” I went to church as often as possible and even sang in the choir. But all the while, my heart felt dead and very much afraid. I couldn’t figure out what I had done to deserve this kind of abandonment.
Then, one balmy Florida night—I lived in Jacksonville at the time—I heard a Christian song that caught me by surprise. I was bent over the sink, washing dishes in my little apartment, as lyrics blasted through my radio: “You pride yourself with all your searching, but why are you searching in the dark? You won’t learn a thing until you soften your heart!”
Those convicting words pierced my heart. It suddenly made sense. I instantly realized that I had been searching for the “God of Rules”—a god whose love and favor were dependent on something He required—no, demanded—in return. In all honesty, I was looking for a god who didn’t really exist. I was searching in the dark.
Pursuing His Heart
I immediately stopped what I was doing and cried out to Jesus, “Show me how to love You! Show me how to soften my own heart toward You. Change me!”
I wept and wept as years of numbness began to melt away.
In the weeks that followed, I began to experience a closer relationship with Jesus. I gradually came to understand the secret that would guide my relationship with God for the rest of my life: I need to fall in love with Jesus!
I realized that I must pursue Him as my closest companion and best friend in life. I must put all else aside to be with Him. He must be the priority of my heart, even while I attend to the everyday business of life. I must pursue . . .
. . . His heart
. . . His passions
. . . His character
. . . His truth.
So I began the sacred pursuit. Every moment of every day I called out to Jesus—reaching out my spirit to touch His and tuning my spiritual ears to hear His voice. Each day as I arrived home, I would walk over to the fireplace and wait. It was a symbolic gesture on my part, because I wanted the fire of His heart and His love inside me. Jesus would come and speak softly to my heart. He would remind me of the day, show me my own heart, reveal myself to me and gently begin to heal and coax and teach—and love me into His Image.
Revived and Rekindled
As I spent time with Jesus, pursuing His heart, my times of private communication were heightened. I began to listen to Christian albums and to sing to the Lord a new song as commanded in the Scriptures. I began to see Him as my King and my Lord, Protector and Provider. Jesus became all to me. His presence is so powerful.
Are you ready to stop searching in the dark? Are you yearning to fall in love with Jesus and to begin pursuing Him with all your heart?
Now It’s YOUR Turn . . .
•Experience the raging fury of God’s love. I have seen His heart, His mind and His incredible passion. He surrounds me and covers me. His presence saturates and bathes me. And His love, truth and purity wash me and transform me. Always from these moments come repentance, release and fire.
• Pursue Christ with outstretched arms. In the time you’ve set aside today for devotions, open your arms and run to Jesus. Pursue your Savior completely unguarded and vulnerable to His piercing truth and relentless love for you. He is waiting to share with you His passion. In John 4:14 He says, “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
• Allow Jesus to refresh you with His spirit. He desires to wash you with the water of His Word and nourish you with His unconditional love. Draw near to Him. Jesus will hold you up in His strong arms.
