I felt sick. Dad’s words rang loud in my ears. The world I had always known ground to a halt. Unable to move, I stood beside the car, feeling the crushing weight of confusion and loss. I was 13, and the words that my father had just spoken shook me to the core like nothing I had ever experienced. Our relationship would never be the same.
I slowly opened the car door and slumped into the passenger seat. After what seemed like an eternity, Dad opened his door and climbed into the driver’s seat beside me. “I’ve known for a long time that someday you would ask me about my past,” he said quietly. “And I knew I would have to tell you the truth—even if it meant losing your trust and respect.”
All I could do was sit in stunned silence. For as long as I could remember, my dad had been the best at everything he did. He was a strong, protective father for me and my sister and a loyal, loving husband to my mom. He was the man of God that I wanted to grow up to be. I trusted and admired him in a way that went beyond words. I idolized him.
Now that trust seemed to hang on the brink of destruction as he revealed to me the truth about a past romantic relationship in which he had totally compromised his purity. Dad assured me that the incident had taken place long before he met my mom, but the realization that he’d made such a terrible mistake ripped him from the hero’s pedestal in my mind. He was not the blameless man I always thought he was, and the stinging shock of that realization was more intense than I could ever have imagined.
Fast Forward
I’m 23 now, and in the 10 years since that unforgettable Sunday, God has used my dad’s honesty and humanity to reshape our relationship. What I learned that day did not destroy the love and respect that I have for my dad; in fact, it ultimately drew us closer together.
For much of my life, I was terrified to fail in front of my dad. He was a great man, and I knew in my heart that I was not. I was afraid he would reject me if I let him see my failures and struggles.
But when Dad willingly stepped down from the pedestal I had set him on, he allowed me to see him as a real human who needs God’s grace and forgiveness as much as I do. That realization set the stage for God to teach me two of the most important lessons of my life:
First, being a man of God means having a heart devoted to the Lord, not living a sinless life. Want proof? Read about David in 2 Samuel 11 or Moses in Exodus 2:11-14.
Second, an honest, open relationship with Dad can be a son’s greatest asset as he learns to walk as a godly man in a corrupt and fallen world. You already know how hard our culture makes it to grow up as follower of Jesus, especially as a teen guy. The Enemy has every weapon aimed right at you, trying to blow you off course and turn you into an ineffective and insecure Christian.
Guys, I can’t tell you how important it was for me to realize that my dad wrestles with the same pressures and temptations that I do. For 10 years, I’ve felt freedom to go to him with anything—and I mean anything: girls, porn, masturbation, alcohol—because I know that he, like me, is a man with real weaknesses and a real reliance on God’s grace and forgiveness.
Understanding that we are equals in Christ has allowed us to build an incredibly strong relationship on a firm foundation of openness and trust. It doesn’t bother me anymore that Dad knows about my struggles, because that knowledge has helped him guide and equip me to go out into the world as a growing man of God.
Not Me, Man
Some of you guys might be thinking, That’s great for you. But my relationship with my dad isn’t even close! I hear you. But let me encourage you that it can be.
When I graduated from college, I got a job as a white-water rafting guide in Colorado. (I’ve been able to work with Breakaway’s Father-Son Adventures.) Guiding river trips has given me good insight into the ways that many fathers and sons interact in intense situations. For example, it’s pretty common for dads to yell at their sons when something goes wrong on the water. Now, as the guide, I can tell you that it’s the dad who’s messing things up about 80 percent of the time. But too often Dad’s first response is to correct his son if the raft or canoe is going off-course. Many times I’ve heard, “Paddle harder, son! Come on, you can do better than that!”
I think a lot of dads react like that, on and off the river, because they’re afraid to acknowledge their mistakes in front of their sons. Blaming Junior for an off-course boat seems easier than saying, “Sorry, Son. I messed that one up. I’ll try to do better.” Why? Because many dads are scared to death to fail in front of their sons. They can’t believe that their sons will continue to respect them if they knew their dads’ deepest flaws. And why is that? Because dads are human, too.
Get Sharp
Despite the challenges, nowhere is there greater potential for growth and encouragement between two men as in a father-son relationship. God’s Word tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).
For me, God used the difficult blow of my dad’s honesty about his past to begin tearing down the walls that kept us from sharpening each other. What about you? If there are similar obstacles between you and your dad, ask your heavenly Father to break them down and be bold enough to follow His direction whatever the cost. The potential rewards are too great to pass up out of fear or laziness.
Wherever you are in your relationship with your dad—good, bad, not quite where you want things to be—here are some tips you can follow to try to improve it.
• Recognize that your dad may be afraid to let you see his weaknesses. It’s not true of all dads, but many keep a safe distance from their sons out of fear of failure. Believe it or not, Dad doesn’t want to lose your love and respect, and going to a deeper, more vulnerable level feels awfully risky.
• Realize that you might have to take the first step of being real with your dad. Be willing to risk going to him honestly with whatever is going on in your life and ask him if he can identify. Relationships are like muscles. If you work hard to strengthen them, they’ll grow and develop. If you don’t, they’ll weaken and go flabby. If your dad isn’t being intentional about strengthening your relationship, take the initiative.
• Don’t wait to step toward your dad, even if it’s hard. Two of my best friends waited well into college before approaching their dads about their desires for deeper relationship. Both cases had positive outcomes, but both friends regret the time they wasted by not acting sooner.
• Pray for your dad. He is under incredible pressure, not the least of which is the responsibility he probably feels to guide and raise you. Pray that God will give him wisdom and that your heavenly Father would use His infinite power to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your human dad.
• Stay patient and persistent. It probably took a long time to develop your relational patterns with your dad, so it will probably take a while to grow new ones. Remember that God is all about restoring relationships, and He can do great things in yours. 
